So I get to my car and realize in my haste I have dropped the Dorito's, bottled water, and sunflower seeds that I had purchased earlier! HAHA So I pop my iPhone on my car charger and load up my bike(I'm guessing because this is all really hazy LOL), and I got 5 texts all at once which say things like, "WTF WHERE ARE YOU" and "Why did you turn off your phone asshole?!" and possibly, "Drunk ass call me back!" So I did! and explained that my phone had died, and told them where I was and conveyed how drunk I was(I'm assuming this wasn't news to them because I could hear myself slurring! HAHA That's sad!) So they say We'll be there in about 45 minutes. YESS! Time for a nap!
So I recline my car seat and close my eyes for what seemed like 10 hours, and woke up to someone saying, "DUDE! He's passed the F*#@ out! HAHAHA", this is Chris, my future cousin-in-law, and my best friend, and his excitement is due to the fact that I'm usually the LAST person to get drunk and pass out, yeah, really funny! HAHA
My cousin opens my door, and says get up lame ass time to go out! I jump out, TOTALY rejuvenated and ready to go, I was like a phoenix of beer rising from the suds of a tapped keg! I dug around in my car found some different shorts and a collared shirt and jumped in their truck!
So, we're walking up to the bar, I realize, I left my ID in the car... DAMMIT! Luckily, for Chris, we met friends who rode their bikes up there, so I took one another 14 blocks to my car and back in what seemed like minutes, just in time to get a Corona with lime mmmmmmmm.
While paying our tab, we notice this really really drunk dude next to us, so us being the nice people we are, we laughed at him for about 10 minutes, then invited him over. His name was Doug and we found out just how drunk he was... about 10 times more than I was, I mean this guy can't even speak! I say, "Doug you're coming with me buddy! Go wait out front and get some fresh air while I pay my tab!" He mumbled something about Tangueray(which he was drinking on the rocks, BARF on a biscuit!) and went outside, where I found him sitting on the ashtray by the door, you know the one full of sand and only gets cleaned when it rains.
We laugh then pick him up, start to go to the next bar and Doug starts to cry, "I miss my exxxxxxxx!" Here we go... My cousin says, "What's her name, or his name? haha" He replied, "Anthony ******", who we actually know and is the owner of one of the more famous gay clubs in Jacksonville, we all look at each other and chuckle at the coincidence, just in time for ol' Doug to wrap his little arms around my neck and latch on smiling. I stagger back to find my cousin and her boyfriend hysterical with laughter, so not to disappoint I say, "What is your ex a short Italian guy too?!" The lose it, and I laugh too, but Doug is really too close and the Pine Sol smell of Tangueray is really reallymaking me sick, I let him stumble to the wall next to us.
Doug, as helpless as he is is really not our problem, and becoming belligerent so we flag down a cop that Chris knows from high school, and go to point Doug out to him to help him out and all at once say, "Where the hell did Doug go?!" He booked it!! We found him, sitting by a palm tree, trying to pass out! So I go to flag down a cab to send him on his way, when I get back with a cab, they decided to call an ambulance, I agree with that descision.
While waiting for the ambulance, Doug is laying by a very populated sidewalk, so people naturally are laughing and pointing, and we laugh until one guy comes by with a group of friends and really being harsh, so Doug pops up his hand and flicks the guy off! HAHA The guy gets pissed saying, "F*#@ YOU CRACKA I'LL STOMP YOUR ASS!" and getting too close to him, saying this over and over got to me after a second, so I said "NO F*#@ YOU!" Stunned this guy turns around and said, "What?!" I shouted back, "You heard me, leave him alone!" and the crowd around him turned towards me(mostly female), "AHHH HELL NO HE DIDN'T!" I smiled and said the usual, "Yeah, keep walking" and all that the guy was too shocked a 5'4 "Cracka" stood up to him and kept going! LOL
So the paramedics start to work on Doug, he's down for the count, until he realizes that the paramedics are gonna haul him off to the hospital, and he bolts AGAIN! So another 30 minutes the paramedics decide to let him walk off and he really burnt his bridges with us, so we take off! We hit up a little bar, play some pool, and head back to the truck.
The bars are letting out so we people watch for a while, and when we get to the truck we do some drive by's. The funniest thing in the whole world is about to happen! The cop directing traffic tells us to stop, so we do, the crowd is walking all around us and our windows are down. We're laughing and joking in my friend's truck with big wheels and a slight lift on it(of course), when the cop signals us to go. As I look out the window when he lets off the brake and eases on the gas I see and hear a *BAM*, then a shrill OWWWW!!! the mirror folded back to reveal a head with hands grasped around it! We whacked a girl that was obviously too close to a vehicle with the side mirror!!! My cousin bent the mirror back as we rolled off, and then... silence for about 5 seconds. "We just hit a chick with the mirror..." I said. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA we all died laughing barely able to breathe in between laughs!! This went on until I got home, my abs still ache!
I know this sounds horrible, but you definitely had to be there, and in retrospect, WHY was she so close to the truck!? We couldn't see her!! It's a BIG truck!! I'm LMAO right now!
So that was my 4th of July night, and I know I said I'd try to keep these short and sweet but it's just too much stuff to leave out! Hope you enjoyed! See you soon! Comment away!!
